Gone / Trying to Understand Life’s Changes / Story of a Poem


low angle view of pink flowers against blue sky

“Gone” is a poem that still gives me chills. I wrote this when I was twenty two. I was in a huge transition period in my life. 

When I was eighteen, I moved away from my tiny country hometown and joined a drama company up north. I was in this drama company for the next three years. We were a tight knit group. In each other’s space constantly. Traveling across the US in a packed van. The company also has a Christian internship of sorts. So not only were you living with this small group but each day we were attending classes together. We also would periodically receive counsel from leadership and our peers that dug deep into our lives. It was a mentorship like nothing I had ever experienced before. It is also one of those things that you experience that is extremely hard to explain to others. Now when I reflect on it, the concept of what I went through was very cultish in its mannerisms.

When I left the drama company to try and go to college I was suddenly alone. All the people that I had bonded with for the past three years were gone. I was stuck in a grey area of life trying to figure out what my next steps would be. I applied for financial aid and was denied any aid. With the influence of a close friend’s family member, I decided to join the U.S Army. They would help provide me with the stability that I was looking for and the financial aid to attend college. Or at least I hoped that would be the case. Things do not always go as planned as you will learn in some of  my future blog posts. But that is a story for another day.

I was also physically changing. My body is going from being a young woman of eighteen to a body starting to show more age. I had a really hard time understanding these changes. My hair texture changed. I started to deal with weight issues after being very skinny my entire life. My energy levels were depleted suddenly. Even the size of my feet changed. (I now know I was dealing with the early stages of a chronic condition that was undiagnosed at the time). It gave me a sense of body dysmorphia. I still struggle with this till this day. “Gone” was me questioning my changing situation.

Gone

Do you ever feel like you have lost yourself?

Where did you go?

Did you even know who you were in the first place?

Your outside appearance has changed.

Your slim figure has transformed to slightly overweight.

Your hair is longer and back to it’s natural color.

Did the hair dye box hide you away?

Are you gone forever?

Where did the fun in you go?

You used to light up a room.

Now you enter and it’s as if you aren’t even there.

Where have your friends and family gone?

You stand alone (abandoned).

But who abandoned who?

Where did you go? Why?

woman in yellow dress standing on pink petaled flower field
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